This is not a LIE
If sources are to be believed, Salman Khan and Katrina Kaif are planning to get married. The ceremony will be witnessed by some of the most prominent faces of the political, business and entertainment industry including a few close celebrity friends. Though Ranbir Kapoor was not available for his comment, Rishi Kapoor gave his blessings to the ‘soon-to-be-married-couple’. Before the celebrity fan-clubs start tweeting and blogging, wishing them best for their future, let me uncover the truth that, it is all a ‘LIE’. I know the above truth has given you a sigh of relief but for once, ask yourself – Do I lie? Do you lie?
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But as a matter of fact ‘who doesn’t lie?’…
Dr. Deepali Batra, Consultant and Clinical Psychologist at Re-Mind Brain and Mind Clinic in J-1/162, Rajouri Garden, Delhi-110027, who has been practicing for almost a decade now, states the justifications of why people lie:
1. Some people lie to save their self-esteem or self-respect, according to them telling the truth can build a bad impression on others.
2. Some people lie as they feel that the people close to them may not be able to handle the truth or just to avoid social conflict. They do this to have peace and harmony in their lives.
3. Also, there is an ideal self: the self that we want to be and True self: the self that we actually are. People wish to be good in the eyes of others and so, project their ideal self by telling a lie.
4. Some people lie to shift the responsibility of their errors on others.
For an example- Arvind Ghosh, 36, Panel Producer at Shri News channel shared a funny incident that took place during his school days, “I was in the 9th standard when the movie ‘Basic Instinct” starring Sharon Stone got released. Quite obviously, I was very curious to watch it. I lived in a hostel and was not allowed to leave without informing the warden. So, I lied to him saying that I was going to a friend’s birthday party. Post the film when I reached the hostel, my friend was standing right next to the warden and he was furious because that friend was actually the ‘birthday boy’.”
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The curious minds of the British wanted to gain the answer of ‘whether men lie the most or women?’, and to find this out a survey was conducted by the Science Museum of London where, 3,000 people were questioned about their truthfulness. The British men turned out to be the black horse’s as they lied very easily and quickly keeping the situation in mind slotting to 1,092 lies per year i.e., telling three lies a day. On the other hand women told 728 lies a year proving that on an average they told two fibs a day. The survey also showed that 25% blokes lied to their mothers in comparison to the fairer sex of whom, 20% lied to their mums followed by 10% who lied to their partners.
The survey also revealed a new category of lie, i.e., ‘acceptable lies’, meaning lies which are told to spare someone from a beating or an emotional break. Priyanka Sisodia, 20, IP University student shared a similar experience where she had to tell an acceptable lie, “I got a proposal from a friend and to avoid it but at the same time not hurt his feelings I told him that I am already in a relationship.”
An article on lies and not including experiences of the parents will be a sin as they are the ones who listen to most of our lies. Rajendra Pal Singh, 48, Finance Manager at Hyatt Regency, New Delhi, and father of two teenagers shared, “Children lie only if they fear us (parents) or they have done something wrong. For this parents must always develop a friendly bond with their children and be open with them because being liberal is equally important.” He further added, “If I don’t get time to talk to my children I just call them up or try and have dinner with them, where we all discuss about the day went.”
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Remember! Shaurya Goenka a.k.a Vatsal Seth in the television series Ek Hasina Thi, who is unfortunately not being mentioned here for his cute and sharp looks but for his skilled art of lying. Shaurya is an undisputed brat who can go to any extent in order to win a bet, ending up in critical situations but, at the same time is well skilled at looking straight into the eye and lying. Putting the myth ‘liars don’t lie keeping an eye contact’ under a question mark. Here are some tips and tricks by psychological experts to understand and identify a liar:
When and how does a person turn into a Pathological liar?
A pathological liar is someone who lies on a regular basis, chronically and compulsively. This pattern usually develops early in childhood. Pathological liar is characterized by a long history (maybe lifelong) of frequent and repeated lying for which no apparent psychological motive or external benefit can be discerned. While day to day lies are goal-directed and are told to obtain external benefits or to avoid penalty, pathological lies often appear purposeless.
Dr. Harsheen. K Arora, 28, Psychologist at Harsheen K. Arora in 6213 C-6, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-1100 who has been practicing psychology since 2008 answered a few important questions like:
Q. Are there any gestures to detect if a person is lying or not?
1.Certain gestures and cues can give away the lie. However, it is important to compare these signs these with the person’s normal behavior.
2.Most of the times when asked a question, instead of responding with a direct answer a liar would respond by a true statement in order to convince you of their truthfulness.- There might be a delay in their response, or they might repeat the question to stall for time, they might also pretend not to understand your simple query.
3.There might be non-verbal cues as well, like touching the face, swallowing, fake smile, clearing the throat, biting their lips change in the blink-rate, adjusting their clothes, fixing their hair, shifting their weight, fidgeting and sweating.
4.Most times there will be incongruence in what they are saying and their expressions and actions. For instance, saying no but nodding affirmatively.
5.There will be a change in the voice – notice the pitch, the speed and the variation.
Dr. Rekha Deshmukh, 62, has more than 20 years of experience in practicing psychology at Sukh-Samvad Counseling, Flat B-1, Triveni Apartment, DDA, Sheikh Sarai, ph.-1, N.Delhi-110017
Q. What are the situations when people lie the most?
1. When they do not want to help the other person in need.
2. When people want economic help and ask for loans, do not want to lend money, underlying fear is, I will not get my money back.
3. To help in matrimonial alliance, people do not want to help with the fear in mind, if something goes wrong, I will be held liable.
4. To control situation: In some cases, a lie is said to ensure the well-being of a person as a lie can help to control a particular situation from aggravating. They lie to deal with the situation that may scatter because of the stupidity of a second person.
Q. Any tips to stop ourselves from lying?
1. You can begin by being honest with yourself. First of all, you can stop listening to your ‘critical inner voice’. Shading the truth often comes from listening to an inner coach that’s not on your side.
2. Next, you can take chances on the people you care about by being a lot more honest and direct with them.
3. Stop saying yes when you actually mean no.
4. Instead of lying, acknowledge when you’re scared.
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Bunty aur Bubli a 2005 critical and commercial successful film which layered out the lives of crooks demonstrating the situations that force someone to turn into a criminal-con. Though it was a fictional movie yet, similar incidents had taken place in reality in the past. Natwarlal, an Indian lawyer turned conman, not only ‘sold’ the Taj Mahal, Red Fort, Rashtrapati Bhavan but also the Parliament House of India including its 545 sitting members. Psychologist Rekha Deshmukh explains the thought-process of these crooks:
Q1. Who are crooks?
The dictionary defines them as ‘A person who steals, lies, cheats or does other dishonest or illegal things; a criminal person’.
Q2. When and why do people turn into crooks?
Here are the situations:
1. When a person is extremely poor.
2. They have no friends to turn to or ask for help.
3. Anyone who feels isolated or marginalized by the society will turn into one for his/her survival.
4. Few individuals turn into crooks to fulfill their unfinished desires and fancies.
5. When one is given a dare by friends.
6. Unemployed people who find it difficult to ensure two meals a day.
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Q3.What is the difference between a crook and a pathological liar?
A liar has a low self-esteem and fear or laziness but a desire to make it big in life without working hard. It’s always easier to make something up than actually doing it. Whereas, a pathological liar will just lie compulsively (it is sometimes only spoken lies but he will not steal, cheat or do anything illegal. The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar.
Before you, turn into a pathological liar or end up in a situation like that of a village boy who regularly lied, “help…help… there is a lion coming towards me” and laughed out loud when the villagers came to help him. But one fine day, when a lion actually came towards him and he cried, “help…help… there is a lion coming towards me”, the villagers took him for granted and unfortunately, he ended up as the lion’s dinner. Before you find yourself in this boy’s shoes, develop the courage of telling the truth. No matter what the consequences are, always remind yourself before thinking to lie someone-
“The liar’s punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.”
― George Bernard Shaw
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