My Wife’s Diary
It’s been 35 years of my life and as I know myself, I am not from the category of people who love to share their experiences in a diary. In fact, I have never bought a diary for myself. But an incident which took place at my home last week has made me share my experience with someone, and that someone is none other than this old and dusty diary which lies in my cupboard ever since,my dad gifted it to me during my school days.
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Right now, I am having another diary which is used and filled with the writings of Priya, my wife. She has penned 32 years of her life on some twenty diaries as she has been writing from the age of twelve. But I managed to find only two of them which were written just before our marriage and continued after it as well. We got married on 5th January, last year, a day considered a good omen as per our family Pandit. Yes, just as every family has a family doctor, similarly we have a family Pandit, Pandit Ramkrishna ji. Well, he is not a major part of our married life apart from citing us to be partners in births to come, on which I have nothing to comment about.
Priya’s diaries lay staring at me as if I am a thief who has come to steal them. But still, I have to make them naked because they relate to my life as much as they relate hers. The first diary which I have in my hand is of the year 2013. Priya’s filled diary is in a way better condition than mine, ironically the diary which lays unused is in a much worse condition. And here I open this diary and the page reads-
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3th January, 2013
Today was my haldi, and I had been ordered to get ready for the function, just like I was asked to marry this unknown boy, Mohit. I don’t know who this guy is, how he behaves and what his future plans are. I never expected this from my family. Papa went to see the boy and soon he decided to make him my groom without even asking the bride, if she is okay with it or not. I am engaged and on 5th of this month, I have to get married and leave this home, where I have spent thirty years of my life. And on the other hand, Rishi called me today. Why does he fail to understand? I cannot run away with him, I will not be able to betray my parents. It is also that I don’t want to marry Mohit, but this sorrow is nothing in front of my family’s happiness which I wish to maintain on their faces, forever. Well, the function went fine; our house had transformed into a Mandi as many relatives have already reached. Oh! Someone is knocking on my laxmanrekha (door). Good night my little diary, will meet you again tomorrow. And, yes I will not leave you here. I am planning to take you along to Mohit’s home.
Good Night….
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4th January, 2013
Tomorrow is my marriage and my life lies in deep confusion. Rishi called, with the same request! Today, I yelled a lotand asked him to stay away from me. Well, after disconnecting, I wept a lot, but this somehow has made me feel better as he will now be able to find another girl, a better girl. Some hours ago, Papa spoke to me. He was very happy and we both were talking about those thirty years. While telling me some unforgettable incidents his eyes went moist. Often, I thought of telling him everything, but his bright and happy face was pleading me to stay away from any such confession. My condition is like that biscuit which is both sweet and salty. Sweet is when I watch my family laugh and enjoy themselves and salty when I think about me and Rishi, who love each other but will not be able to be together anymore. Now, I want to cry. Sorry little diary, a drop of tear has fallen on you. Sorry !!
Good Night….
6th January, 2014
Sorry, I was not able to meet you yesterday and I know you understand its value. Everything went well; I am missing my family a lot. How will I be able to live without them for lifelong?
Right now, I am at Mohit’splace which is in Lucknow and soon I will have to shift with him to Delhi. We are done with all the Hindu customs and now I have a fear in the corner of my heart. How I will spend my following night? I do not want to give myself to a stranger, to whom I met just a day before. And, I know we are married, but still I am not ready yet. Rishi also..Oh! Someone is coming… BBye!
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7th January, 2014
Hello little diary, I have been trying to share something with you since morning, but the conditions were not apt to do so. Guess What? A new sense has started making me feel secure with this guy with whom I had out of nowhere decided to live the rest of my life. I will tell you what happened yesterday but before that, I remember that yesterday, I was telling you something and someone interrupted.
Actually, I was telling you about how Rishi had also tried to build a physical relationship with me but I never felt that way for him. I wanted to go ahead with the acceptance of my parents but I never noticed how everything around me changed. My groom had been decided uponwith the auspicious day of marriage also being announced soon. I was not able to share about Rishi with anyone as this could spread mayhem in the family. And, I did not want to destroy the happiness and joy,brimming in all corners.
I am trying to forget Rishi but this seems next to impossible. The more I try to forget him, the more his memories start strangulating me. Forget! I don’t want to make him as the topic of our conversation now.
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I will tell you what happened last night. I was on the bed, when I was conversing with you and suddenly someone came. That someone was none other than Mohit. He came and closed the door. It made me feel pretty scared, not in the sense that I was going to start a physical relationship, but the fact that I was going to do so with a person whom I didn’t even know properly forget about love. He came close to me and sat down;this raised my heartbeat which was pretty clearly hearable. He said, “Do not worry, I am not a wild animal. I understand what you are going through.”
All of a sudden, these words made me feel embarrassed. I was afraid too. Does he know about my relation with Rishi? But thank god, he was talking about something else.
“I understand all of it” he took a pause and then said, “I believe that a couple should understand each other before taking their relationship to the next level”
He seemed a very understanding man, I felt happy on knowing this. He was saying exactly what I wanted to listen.
“I opted for an arranged marriage because it brought a smile on the face of my parents. They wanted to make you a part of our family”, he further stated. “I think you need to sleep”, he stood up, took a pillow and started to walk towards the sofa.
I wanted to stop him, but there was something which stopped me or I had no courage to stop him and tell him everything. No, I should not tell him anything, he has the same feelings for his family what I have for mine.
Today, I want to share something with you which I have not told anyone yet. 5 years ago, it was the month of February, I came back home from shopping. The main door was already open. I thought I will amaze Maa and Papa with an unexpected entry, but what happened was something rather surprising for me.
To be continued……….
About the Author
Ravi Ranjan is a student cum journalist who remains busy in following life’s unreachable and extraordinary elements. He wants to find out the reason for everything happening in this universe. Writing is not his passion, but to convert his thoughts in the form of written or audio-visual story is his life’s main motive. If you have any suggestions, remarks or comments for him, you can mail him at ownravi@gmail.com
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